We all have a song that can take us to another place. For some of us, the song is so powerful it can even take us back to a certain smell. I have a few songs from the time of Corey’s accident that take me back. But there is one song that I try to avoid. Unless I need/want a good cry. Mandisa’s song, “Stronger” is a song that was very helpful to me in the days following Corey’s accident, but it’s a song now that I have a really hard time listening to.
A few weeks ago, we sang this song in church. I was stuck. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t turn the volume down. I stood there, listening to the words and the tears started coming. It was actually a very powerful moment. I could feel God’s presence, wrapping His arms around me, holding me and saying, “I’ve still got you. I know there are hard days still, but I’m still here.” I needed that moment. Because sometimes I feel like God is so quiet. And there are days that are still very hard…
July 15, 2011:
AMAZING!! Lord, you are amazing!! I just walked into your room for the morning visiting hours and my heart stopped…Playing very softly was Star 88.3…Christian music. I started weeping. It was so powerful and encouraging to hear. The first 3 songs spoke directly to me. One of them being Mandisa’s “Stronger”. God knew just what I needed. I’m just sitting here, letting it minister to me. It’s so refreshing.
These days have been so hard and I sometimes (often) feel like I can’t take another step forward. My body is so physically weak. Sleep has been so restless and I’m hardly eating. I literally have to force myself to eat. Every bite is torture–I know it’s what I have to do and that’s the only reason I’m doing it. No appetite whatsoever. I guess I wanted to lose a little weight, but not this way!!
July 16, 2011:
Well another day spent at the hospital…This morning and afternoon were really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like my world is just crushing in on me. This was one of those days and I could not shake it. I’m constantly questioning: is this is how you will be forever? Do you remember me? And since you can’t verbalize anything to me…It makes it that much harder. How are the little ones going to be when they see you? What toll is this taking on Auston and Chase? How long is this road going to be?
Can I do it? I mean that in all seriousness. God, I don’t know that I can do this. With so many unknowns. I’m begging you God to give me something today. Something to hold onto and give me hope.
I forced myself to go over to the park today (close to the hospital) with the kids. There was a wedding. So very hard to see. Of course, my mind went back to our wedding day and all the thoughts came crashing in. I was trying to be happy and energetic for the kids…it took all I had.
After the park, the little ones came up to see you for the first time. I was dreading this moment. Knowing they were expecting to see–their daddy. But that they would actually see–their daddy, who is very little like their daddy. I love them so much and wanted to protect them from the pain that may come along with seeing you for the first time.
My dad brought each of them back one-by-one. (You had been moved from Surgical Trauma ICU to Neurology this morning–another step in the right direction). Lauryn (7yo at the time) was first to come back. She read you the card she had made for you. You gave a few smiles. She was nervous…not fully understand why you weren’t talking to her and what all the machines were for. I tried to explain and answer any questions she had. She didn’t stay very long–she wanted to go back out to the lobby.
Next Ty (5yo at the time) came back. He was very cautious. Very unsure of the situation. He asked a couple questions, but did not want to touch you. 🙂 He was nervous.
Then Grayson (3yo at the time) came back and he was Grayson!! 🙂 Very aware of everything and asking a million questions. He very loudly told you, “Wake up daddy”, whenever you would drift off to sleep. He got your attention. 🙂 The innocence of a child. The light attitude and laughter he brought into your room, was refreshing.
Before the younger ones left, they came back and gave you kisses. Ty would only kiss you by kissing his hand first and then touching your hand. 🙂 You gave all of them smiles. Which made me smile too. 🙂
The older boys came up later in the evening. I think Auston is having a hard time taking all of this in. Chase is very affectionate, but I do see worry and concern on his face. They all love you so much and can’t wait to have their daddy back!!
We were showing you some pictures today–which you held and actually took from our hands. You were really studying them. Then your mom was showing you a photo album and a few times you were actually turning the pages. I think you enjoyed looking at them, because they really kept your attention for a longer period of time.
I know it’s important that we show you pictures from our past to hopefully trigger your memory. But, it is very difficult to not be overwhelmed with sadness…you in the picture, to the reality of you now.