Everyday Corey was in the hospital was a roller coaster ride. I never knew going in each morning what the day would hold..good news, bad news. Usually it consisted of both. One minute I was full of hope and the next I was knocked down and scared out of my mind. So NOT fun!! I was ready to get off this crazy ride. This was not how our summer was supposed to be. It was not on our calendar, as I would often say.
July 12, 2011:
Not even 72 hours since your surgery and it feels like its been a month! This is SO not fun! Oh Corey, I miss you SO much!! The unknowns are killing me.
We just talked to the neurosurgeon (NS) and really don’t know anymore than I did before talking to him. So frustrating. Your neurosurgeons have not had the best bedside manner. They are very cold and of little words. 🙁
The NS I just spoke to agreed it’s a positive thing that you opened your eyes but said you are still not responding to commands. So technically you are still comatose. Whew!! Talk about taking my breath away and knocking me down when I’m already down.
I really dread talking to your doctors. Always bad news and so harsh. Your nurses, on the other hand, are so positive and so kind.
Mom told your neurosurgeon she’s looking for some hope and he said, “I think the glass is half-full rather than half-empty.” So I guess I have that. 🙂 Have to grasp onto whatever hope I can. He also said, “Every brain is different. There is no cookbook; no recipe.”
He said, everyone’s story is written differently. To which my dad told me later, “Yes every story is different, but remember who is writing Corey’s story.” That lifted my spirits. God has shown us so many miracles. He has been faithful. I’m trying to be strong and trust in Him and remember these small victories, but doubt definitely creeps in.
This morning was hard. Last night’s sleep was not good. I woke up a few times. Which I hate because reality hits me hard and then I toss and turn trying to fall back to sleep.
Finally 6am came and I got up to get ready to be in here by 7 to talk to the doctors. You would be proud of me…I get ready in 20 minutes. Of course, it helps that I haven’t worn makeup since the accident. Tears and makeup don’t go well together.
As I was getting ready this morning, a flood of emotions hit me—all my doubts and fears. You, the kids and how they’re being affected by all of this. So much to take in.
Yesterday Grayson kept saying, “See daddy.” Over and over again. Then he would go play and then be right back…”See daddy.” Whew! So heartbreaking!! What does his little 3 year old mind think about all of this? Oh Lord Jesus, please continue to put a hedge of protection around my children and their minds. Make them resilient, please.
****This was a prayer I prayed often. My mind was constantly on my kids and how this was affecting each one of them. I felt so absent from their lives during this time, with most of my time and energy focused on Corey. Thankfully, I had a strong family and church family who stepped into this role, in many ways, for me. I can never thank them enough. Our kids, through the grace of God, have stayed true to their faith and stayed on a good path through all of this. Thank you Jesus!! You are so faithful!!
**** = Not part of my journal. Speaking from my heart today.