So many times I broke down in the hospital. As I said before, my heart wanted to drive off into the sunset with my kids and not face this reality anymore. Somehow, thinking I could leave it all behind. That was the human side of me. But the spiritual side of me is what kept me going. The reality that I had made a promise, back on December 29, 1995, to Corey and to God that I would forever stand by this man’s side. Through sickness and in health, till death do us part. No. Matter. What. That promise is a part of me. It is who I am. That promise would become my lifeline through so much of this journey.
July 13, 2011:
I just broke down. I don’t know Corey, how am I going to do this? How does anyone go through this? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through…and why me??? Why God???!! I am not strong. I am a wreck!! This is killing me! The unknowns –I hate it!! I’m trying to be strong, but I’m so scared! And so so sad!!
The mind can be so mean! Memories just keep flooding me. Future plans that we’ve talked about keep taunting me.
I look over at you in your bed and I think..you should just start talking to me! I’m shaking so badly because of my nerves. My body is so weak. I want you back just as you were! You are my everything! You are the one who helps me be strong. How do I do this?? Oh dear God…How?
July 14, 2011:
I’m here at mom and dad’s house exhausted and ready to sleep a restless sleep. Oh how I miss a good night’s sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep in our bed yet. I’m just not ready to face that pain of you not being there.
Today was a better day than yesterday. You had some physical therapy (PT) today. It was good for you to stretch a lot of muscles that haven’t moved for a number of days. It had to feel good.
You also had some speech therapy (ST). However, you were very tired, so you didn’t do a whole lot through that session. But you did hold a spoon and take it to your mouth after she initiated it. And you drank more water from the spoon like yesterday.
Dr. Cava said they may move you up to the neurology floor tomorrow. Another step in the right direction.
I talked to Dr. Young’s PA today trying to pinpoint where the injury took place in the brain and she said it’s hard to say what areas were affected, because it was more on the surface of the brain and then pushed into the brain. So…Hard to say what damage was done. She called it a subdural hematoma and said, only time will tell. Such a hard answer–but the one that I get ALL the time! Erghh!!
You had an episode this morning where your heart rate and temperature went down real fast. You were also hard to get a response from for about five minutes. So they wondered if maybe you had a seizure. However, they did an EEG and didn’t see anything significant. So we’re not sure what that was.
I attribute your extreme tiredness today to so much stimulation yesterday and whatever that episode was earlier today. I learned today with brain injuries, it is very common to get very worn out after stimulation and therapy. Even to the point where you’re exhausted for a day or two. Especially in the beginning here.
I know I’m completely worn out..but mine is strictly due to emotional turmoil.